The Void and Neztra

At some point, I'll have something more uplifting to post about, but for now, I'm living in a shadow of the good life. I'm in a dank and musty cave, buried in the gloom of the rocks around me, looking out on the dappled golden sunlight, dancing on the surface of fair waters, just out of my reach.

The latest news, my mom has breast cancer. I found out a few weeks ago and simply haven't been able to collect my thoughts enough to write about it. I am sure there are many, many people out there who know exactly how I am feeling right now. There is the shock of the news. The unbelief. The denial. And the age old question, "how could this happen to us?"

I don't think it truly hit me with all the gusto of a hurricane until Monday night at 11:00. My mom had just gotten out of surgery to remove the lump and two of her lymph nodes and lay in a hospital bed at the southern medical hospital. My mom is 5'10. She is an amazon. She's always a presence in the room, but that night, she was like a dusky green-dried out shell of herself. Her skin and bone structure seemed to droop, only kept in place by the coarse cotton sheet she lay on.

It was dark, cold and quiet in that room and only the sound of the machines she was hooked up to broke the silence. My dad sat in a chair by her bed, holding her hand, his shoulders making an upside down U under his rumpled shirt. The picture of sadness. It was a dark time for us. A very real look at what could be the future of all of us.

The positive news is that they caught my mom's cancer very early on and the doctors seem to be confident about her chances of making a full recovery, although, the robots that they are, no one will come out and say it. She'll have to undergo seven weeks of radiation treatment at best, chemo if necessary, but we are hoping that won't be the case.

She's back home now, surrounded by a garden of flowers and plants from friends and loved ones. Her color is coming back and the desperation of Monday night is slowly receding into our memories. Somehow though, I hope it doesn't disappear completely. It is a great reminder of the fragility of each of our lives and good to remember, even when we venture out from our gloomy caves and turn our faces up into that shower of amber sunlight beyond.

Well, I didn't get the job I wanted. They hired someone else who was willing to take 10,000 a year less than my salary requirement. In part, I am not upset about this because I wouldn't want to work for a company not willing to pay their talent what they are worth. On the other hand, I really need a job.

I am trying to be patient and believe that the right job is out there waiting for me.

But I've come to believe that waiting is the hardest game to play.

I recently moved from Atlanta, where I had an incredible job with a company who shall remain nameless, in Marketing. I was there for six years. I established incredible friendships and working relationships, and was promoted three times without even seeking to be promoted. My work spoke for itself and people needed me.

So why am I having such a hard time finding a good job here in Dallas? I ended up taking a five month contract position because I wasn't able to find anything permanent and now I am on the job hunt again. I've been on three interviews in the past two weeks and no call backs. One interview went incredibly well and the hiring manager really seemed to like me. I was there on Thursday, now it is Tuesday. Is it too early to be worried that I haven't heard anything back? I am starting to become a neurotic mess! I need a job! It isn't a money issue right now, but more of a, I need to find my place issue.

I am such a mental mess right now...

How important is it to you to have a personal soundtrack? For some, perhaps it isn't even a point that has been pondered once in their existence. For me, my soundtrack changes daily, but their are songs that have been running in the background of my personal film for many, many years. Here is a list of constants in my soundtrack song list:

• Roads by Portishead
• To Wish Impossible Things by the Cure
• The Other Side by Morphine
• Riders on the Storm by the Doors
• Bedshaped by Keane
• Piece of my Heart by Janis Joplin
• Next Lover by James
• Never is a Promise by Fiona Apple
• Novocaine for the Soul by the Eels
• World of Two by Cake
• My Lover's Gone by Dido
• 'Til the End of Time by Delerium
• I Can't Be With You by the Cranberries
• The Wind Cries Mary by Jimi Hendrix

There are others, but these are the ones that stand out the most for me. I had no idea I had such a sad soundtrack. It is very interesting to discover. Try this for yourself. See what you come up with. For me, I am a little scared of myself.